Have you ever wished that you were no longer live in this world?

This might sound like I am suicidal.. but of course I am not. I am one of the most logical and rational  person, still.. It just, I did wished for that sometimes. I always prayed to God if breathing in this world bring no good for me and my peoples..I wished God could just take my life away, but if it were the other way around.. I prayed God will award me a strong heart to walk through a longer journey of life. 

It is no doubt that I am happy with my life, but deep inside my heart.. I could not hide the fact that I am extremely heartbroken. There were no right words to explain it. Love matter was just a small  portion of that "heartbroken".. there were lots of things and I dare not to think about it.

I laughed as much as I cried... This might sound like I am going crazy but everyone has their own way dealing with life and survive this world, rite.. I am just a normal person. I agreed when a counselor said that everyone in this world has mental problems. One could deny it out loud, and claim there were no defect on them.. truth is, it was not something for us to prove because it is not the matter of  right or wrong we are talking here.

Hari ni hari last induksi. Rasa lega amat sebab dah habis. Tadi dah pulun habis-habisan jawab soklan exam. Kol 10 sampai 12.30 exam esei. Dalam kol 12 tu aku dah siap la jawab soklan tapi saja tanak kuar dari  dewan. Fasi2 yang jaga tu dah balik-balik tanya aku, aku tanak hantar ker. Dengan degilnya aku kater tanak.. hahaha.. Dah la degil, pastu ingkar arahan plak. Orang suh jangan bercakap-cakap kalau paper tak dihantar lagi.. aku sebok borak dengan jiran sebla menyebla. Kedegilan  melampau aku telah menyebabkan fasi yang bakal cek paper kitaorang nanti amik kertas aku & baca kat situ gak.

Aku apa lagi.. op kos la saspen bila dia muka kerut-kerut sambil geleng-geleng pale. Gelak dia bila aku kater "encik jangan la tujuk muka gitu, nanti 3 bulan sy tak tidur lena". Mana tidak.. batch aku ni batch spesel.. dekat 600 orang skali intake. Kalau ekonomi tak yelok, mau kitaorang kena terminate kalau tak lulus dengan jayanya.

Smalam aku dapat sms wish good luck dari fasi-fasi penilai. Lagi la aku saspen nak exam ari ni. Last-last dekat pukul 10 aku dah tido gara-gara terteqan. Pagi tu dah gelabah sebab tak habis baca lagi. Tapi apa-apa pun.. kursus ni best. Lagi pulak budak-budak  group semua ok. Cuma ada la beberapa golongan dalam ramai-ramai 104 orang yang aku cukup tak berkenan, tau fikir pasal diri dia jek. Tak consider pun ramai lagi orang kat sekeliling tu. Tak paham aku.. nak kater budak.. da beranak pinak. Ni yang buat kurang pahala pose ni.. ahaha.

Kol 4 lebih aku dah sampai  umah.. basuh baju.. rilek2.. skali da kol 6.30 baru teringat yang aku belum beli lagi juadah berbuka tuk hari ni. Nasib tersedar...  kalau idak, mau aku berbuka minum air kosong jek.

Hari ni ada sesi persembahan daripada semua group.. kelakar ada nak marah pun ada sebab buat persembahan macam kanak-kanak ribena... hahaha

Study Time

Hari ni sambung lagi sesi study sebelum exam lagi 2 hari. Bedebau la juga nak exam.. kang fail exam kang malu oke! Ini le muka geng geng group aku.. ada 3 orang lagi ilang tah kemana, termasuk si botak aka paly.

Today is my worst nightmare.. I was appointed as the MC for evening session and.. also for the public speaking session. Darng! I never have a  single experience hosting an event my whole life nor did i love to talk in front of public.

Maybe what I should do now is to congratulate myself for being brave and overcome something I feared  duh!

Today we all learned  about communication skills. Darng! I was one of the person  listed in the first group to  present our speech at the evening. You know, I was known as bad at public. But I think I managed to have my courage during public speaking session. Of course I was nervous to death but thank god..all end well :)

We were given 5 minutes to prepare our speech. At this rate, everyone were equal. Maybe they were good at Bahasa speech but when it come to public speaking in English.. some might sound funny on stage, or even lost their words.

Today.. we played games and enjoy being in a group. There were 12 peoples in my group, 5 girls and 8 boys. I was the only unmarried girls while for the boys, there was only one guy who is married. Hahaha.. what a nice combination.

We were doing treasure hunt activities. Each group is required to finish a riddles at every station. The saddest part was during playing water in the pail. We made a little mistake that caused us 250 marks.

My course started at 8.30 am. Since I was so lazy to drive so i took the LRT. But, having to walk and climbing stairs here and there caused me to experience an extreme tiredness,especially during this fasting month.

Today, we were required to make a big circle and play some games before being divided into groups. Then, we were all given a piece of paper, which written there our clue for the group that we will be joining. It was funny when the clue started with the same animals doing a different things and the rules was, all of us were not allowed to talk at all. In order to find our group, we will have to communicate using sign language. If you use a different sign language or failed to understand what your friends 'said'.. then you will be left group less!

Lucky that my clue was easy to express and understand. Can you imagine, 104 peoples and 8 groups! How are you gonna find everyone when some of the clue were totally difficult to be translated into sign language.. for example like "the camel was being chased by robbers, broke its leg and being put to jail!"  hahaha.. I sure will remember this day forever.

I started my induction course today.. on Friday 13th. 104 peoples.. architects, engineers.. surveyors.. but just 3 or 4 familiar faces. The only girl friend that I recognized was IBU. She will be attending this two weeks course with me. Actually,  I was not scheduled to attend the course because my name was not listed. Maybe this is my luck. Although fasting month is the main challenge, but we were lucky that we could go home and doesn't require to sleep at unfamiliar places.

Our program started with introduction and games. I was voted as one of the worst 'player', twice.. for different games. Hahaha.. One because I was thinking way ahead, and one I was thinking way behind. Not liking the middle eh!

What I knew was, at the end of the day.. I was totally exhausted! We all were I guess.

Melampau betul orang yang jual produk kecantikan ni. Aku taw la pompuan memang suka emas tapi takyah la sampai make up pun ko claim ko bubuh campuran emas 24k. Takat eye shadow tu aku ble tahan lagi.. ini kek moisturizer, cream mato & serum bagai semuo ado 'serpihan' emas 24k kononnya. Apalah objektif yang cubo di capai, aku pun tak taw.

I am accidentally 'mastering' quite a number of sports and their rules like American football for watching EYESHIELD 21, basketball for SLAM DUNK, soccer for WHISTLE, tennis for PRINCE OF TENNIS.. baseball for CROSS GAME.. mmmm.. boxing and shogi are next..

But, what I want to say is that I never thought watching anime could made me rain a tears..darg! It was not that i got emotional (ok, may be a lil bittt) but.. the CROSS GAME anime kinda brought alive a mixed feelings and touch the right spot in this heart of mine. (sou desu ka?) I read at wikipedia saying that this anime is certainly something and I understand how good it is after watching 50 episodes countinuosly .

Just to say, although i was not a big fan of sport but i am a die-hard-fan of sport movies, dramas and anime.

I got excited and unable to stop myself from watching eyeshield 21 (Hiruma kun! yee haa i lap u), slam dunk, whistle and prince of tennis but the CROSS GAME is kinda different. It was about baseball.. well, no need to remind me about how crazy i was about ROOKIES drama back then coz i am currently back to watching it now.. ahaha.

I love EYESHIELD 21 because of Hiruma kun..

Sendoh San

Rokawa Kaede

Sendoh san and Rukawa for Slam dunk..and Tezuka for Prince of Tennis. Oh how i wish they were real..haha. For an almost 30 but still liking children stuffs.. I am sure a childish. But.. It was not my fault for they were so darg irresistable!

Tezuka San

What am I busy with lately?

A.N.I.M.E line up!

Slam dunk
GTO
Shion No Oh
Basquash
Master of Epic
Ring ni Kakero
Amatsuki
Eyeshield 21
Whistle
Yu Yu Hakusho
God Save Our King
Prince of Tennis
Detective School Q
Cross game
Top Secret

Ahaaaaa...

But the best is EYESHIELD 21!

I guess I am still trying, hard, to catch up with my old pace. Being betrayed to the core is sure an extremely bad thing for one to have to experience. It is my bad to see everything in this life in the form of YES or No but it is who i am. Because I always predicted how things are gonna turn out, so I ended up trying so hard to make a divert and opted for a way out. And since I hated so much to be caught in a situation that I could not handle, I am shielding my heart to the best.

But I failed, once.

It was not I was not ready for that. Frankly,  I already knew long before it happened but I never thought one person  I deeply trusted and looked up so highly could hold on to self-centering to the point where hurting people who deeply care about them means nothing at all. How was that hurt feeling like? The way I experienced it,  it was like someone stabbing me with a sharp  knife,  right trough the heart.. hold it there for a moment, pushing it down, slowly and patiently before tearing it apart.. I'd rather be shot than to have to experience that feeling again.